July Fourth Should Be For Mexican People

Growing up in LA, I’ve come to realize that the absolute best Fourth of July parties have one thing in common. They’re hosted by Mexican friends and family—the true experts at BBQs, fireworks, fruit salad, & sunburns. We’ve got it on lock.

Now on the other hand, Cinco de Mayo is for white people. They can have it— no one cares. Cinco de Mayo, at its core, belongs to frat guys in ponchos and Orange County moms who needed a culturally themed excuse to drink frozen margaritas in a Chili’s parking lot! Traditionally, it commemorates Mexico’s underdog victory at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. A battle in a war they didn’t win? Okay cool, go team!

Now, Cinco de Mayo is fine. It’s not offensive. It’s not problematic. It’s just very, very funny. Most Mexicans don’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but they do watch America celebrate it on their behalf—with great confusion and anthropological curiosity.

But if the frat boys want it so badly, then we must let Mexicans have the Fourth of July. Let’s split the difference and stick to what we know best.

Let’s consider qualifications. Mexican people already do July 4th better than anyone else. They show up early. They bring chairs. They bring food that required effort and marination. They bring uncles who are overqualified, yet unlicensed pyrotechnicians. They do NOT bring one bag of ice and the vague promise of an orzo pasta salad like your boring ass coworkers.

American Fourth of July parties are mostly about standing around in humid backyards eating dry hot dogs and pretending your friend’s spoiled kid isn’t crying.

Contrasted by Mexican parties, that are not only events, but ecosystems. They operate on multiple timelines and serve several generations simultaneously. Someone’s aunt is dancing. Someone’s cousin is DJing. Someone’s toddler is wide awake at 1:30 a.m. chasing people around with Hot Cheeto fingers

If Cinco de Mayo has been rebranded as tequila St. Patrick’s Day for people who say “gracias” with a hard ‘s’—then we might as well ‘em eat cake! Or let em eat quesadillas with American yellow cheese ew! But if Mexicans have full custody of the fourth, everybody wins. Everybody gets a holiday that they can actually handle.